There’s always time for a brew and a fag, especially at those moments in life where things get a little bit hectic and take a turn for the worst. To the uninitiated, let me explain what these are and just how well they make a difference to everything.

Here are a few circumstances where one might use the term “fag and a brew” while commonly placing “time” somewhere in or around those words.

• Just got up and going to be late for work
• Sat on hold for three hours while you phone to some premium rate number for student loans/bank/tax/bills etc.
• Just got home from holiday
• First sit-down after being recently mugged
• Death of a loved one
• A terminal diagnosis
• The imminent destruction of the planet and the subsequent extinction of the entire human race
• Lottery win
• Kettle successfully boils
• Some company comes over for a “catch up”
• Your mates bird really can’t stand smoking and/or the recreational use of tea
• Contemplative moments in the middle of the night when you can’t sleep
• Being interviewed as the prime suspect in a murder enquiry
• Ringing the police up for a crime number when some prick’s hit your car and fucked off so that they don’t lose their no claims bonus
• Getting the fine in the post after having set off one of them sneaky mobile speed cameras
• Being on “Deal or No Deal” (I’ve always believed that show is currently incomplete without the function of the fag and brew being available as part of the decision making process for the contestants)
• Waiting to smuggle goods into or out of the country
• Plotting chaos with your weapons of mass destruction
• Getting made redundant
• Having had some sort of life changing epiphany
• Feeling like you are about to give up on life and everything you have supposedly worked hard for
• Chain smoking while having a long, deep heart to heart with a friend
• Procrastinating before a big task that involves a lot of something you can’t be assed with (e.g. getting up off your arse and going to the shop for something)
• Needing a perfect excuse to needlessly break a long task down into small parts while doing nothing constructive in between
• Getting fired by some corrupt tosser for “internet abuse”
• Looking for a job worth applying for, which you know you will never find
• Stopping to get some inspiration to actually do what you’re meant to do next
• Needing a handy setting in order to break some bad news
• Realising for the 61st time that you have actually got no intention of quitting smoking, even though you’re always banging on about it
• General nicotine cravings
• General thirst
• Letting your breakfast/dinner/tea “settle”
• Reading the paper
• Standing with the cool people in the shelter at work
• Trying to understand or come to terms with the concept of the irrational
• Writing literature or poetry
• Solving complex maths problems
• Creating music or video
• Putting up with your other half and their shit when you’re out at the shops
• Prior to turning up to any kind of “hearing”
• When you’re standing somewhere you go when you don’t want to be found
• Refuelling planes at the airport
• Lurking around outside some trendy Wetherspoon’s when you have had a bit too much to drink.

These are just some examples. A fag and a brew aren’t necessarily a good idea in these situations alone. There are plenty more creative ways that you can have a fag and a brew, where the “there’s always time for a brew” philosophy may be applied. Remember, every time you get the desire to feel stress or grief or frustration with something, replace this behaviour by having a fag and a brew instead. You will be surprised with the benefits that it can offer you and your personal life, along with the help it has to offer when it comes to those mundane offices of daily life, for example putting up with other people and their shite when you really can’t be bothered. Find out for yourself today with a fag and a brew. Holding the United Kingdom together.